I’ve been sitting in my room with the music blaring for the past 3 hours staring at the wall. Radiohead on repeat.
Life feels good. I’ve felt this warm tingling feeling overlapping itself over me , rolling and churning. It could be just the drugs. But, I think it was here all along. Sometimes the world is asleep, as I am. Perhaps we just simply need to be reminded in various ways; and, this is another way to do that.
2 essays and a short discussion post left of this class. easily could have written them tonight. got excited about one essay as all sorts of ideas filled my head. got on tumblr, began listening to Arcade Fire in a serious way for the first time in my life, and well that’s the end of that. only have to work one of my jobs tomorrow, then i’ll be writing all these and finishing this damn class. very interesting class, wish my time wasn’t so occupied so i could delve into it further… also, having it online limits ability to do so. almost midnight, i think i should give in to sleep at a reasonable time for once. i am distracted, so distracted, i am shit. but i will not always miss my mark. don’t stop.
Idea for a script came to me last night in a dream. Very excited about it, looks to be funny, cute, maybe even enlightening. Should be done soon, all while piecing together ideas for a novella. Need to finish some of these so I don’t become that guy to always start things and never finish. This summer is looking shorter and shorter. Wanting more cultural exposure to influence me, and therefore, my writing style. So, I attended graduations and a jazz fest this weekend, I’m reading Safran Foer’s, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, watching highly acclaimed movies when insomnia hits hard enough. Trying to get on my way before I’ve even got a clue. On… My… Way… is that just away from home- I mean, away from here? This place? Some day I grew out of high school, and I guess I wasn’t all too unaware of it.
“… Another situation that often creates loneliness is the first year of college, especially if students leave the familiar world of their hometown and family to enter college. Freshmen rarely bring their popularity and social standing from high school into the college environment. There may be a dozen high school basketball stars, National Merit scholars, and former student council presidents in a single dormitory wing…”—Adolescence, John W. Santrock (My Adolescent Psych class textbook)
Today was the worst. Probably the weather. Hate this month — hell, I hate this season right now. Everybody’s so happy together, nobody’s so happy together. If - yes, I say if - only we could see beyond to how lucky we are, and reach some hands out to each other. Yeah, it’s always been something about the Spring to make me feel a little more alone than normal. This month requires my self-discipline and strength, I’ve known that for months in advance. I can’t get distracted now.
And when new ideas appear to me, why am I having to shove them off and suppress them till they resurface… You know creative ideas don’t always twice resurface.
Still I am… Completely self-absorbed by now, pondering through folds and weavings of fibers of the pages making up my thoughts. So much so that when spoken to, I don’t hear it. So many times now. Distracting me from my tasks at work, disrupting my general aura. But I can’t unravel my feelings to expression, feeling like I must get so much done. I must, I need to… I am tired of pessimism, but to be completely honest I’m seeing myself to be more pessimistic than I want. For now, I stay my course with a rudder held firmly.
“Put it down and put down everything that comes into your head and then you’re a writer. But an author is one who can judge his own stuff’s worth, without pity, and destroy most of it.”—Sidonie Gabrielle Colette (1873-1954)