Also, I’m trying to make use of the time I have with my family more and more. More so with my father. I fear losing my father, and any member of my family. Today, after a health check-up he told me he’s much healthier now after his previous physical in November.
I wanted to join the Air Force. One of my greatest fears of this plan was leaving my parents and not being able to get to them if either of their health began to fail suddenly.
Today, he held up the sweatshirt that my mother was wearing the first time they met. He had hidden it from her.
I find it incredibly difficult to focus my thoughts into just one topic lately. Everyday I feel as if I’m absorbing more and more, inevitably I’m to make my own conclusions.
First off, whoever invented roller blading deserves a lifetime supply of miss prostitutees. Did it for the second time tonight playing roller hockey with some friends, quickly becoming a new obsession. Our goal is to form teams around the valley and actually play each other at night. Only problem is, we need a lot available that’s sure to have the lights on at night.
Also related, I’ve been running every day starting my preparation for the Boilermaker 15k now that track season has ended for me. I’m realizing that my motivation for exercising and keeping in shape is more for the feeling of being satisfyingly relieved, as well as painless. As if following my exercise or run, I get a high from the release of endorphins (if that’s logical).
Next, Jean-Paul Sartre has provided me with a wealth of inspiration with just two of his plays I’ve read so far, “No Exit” and “Dirty Hands”. ”No Exit”: we as sinners will manipulate everyone in our power or reach to dominate them though we gain zero fulfillment, nor will we ever escape the vicious cycle of seemingly insubstantial sins. I have not reached the ending to “Dirty Hands” yet, but so far I have gathered that - written before generalizations were frowned upon - men create our theories evident in our day-to-day principles, women are those who believe man’s theories to their greatest ability. A man may fail as an assassin because his ideals have changed. A women will perform her task well, but cannot look upon death nor bloodshed. This is generally speaking, and I believe Sartre through his character of Hoederer spoke truth. Also, we must discipline ourselves to limit our freedom of thinking. Rather, intellectuals must discipline themselves.
Who exactly is an intellectual? And let me note further, how are you asserting yourself with discipline? Wouldn’t we all rather be living free, no laws, no rules; anarchy? No temptations, nor envies or preposterous desire. I wouldn’t. And you may all very well tie yourself to your ball and chain, hoping it’ll keep your insecure minds from wander, but you won’t escape your empty stomachs. Yeah, assert yourself with discipline to control your eager thoughts, feasting on formulations of freedom. Stay with him. Don’t let go, you can’t let go. Fear.
I’m absorbing vast influence from other artists and authors, while exposing myself to natural beauty surrounding us. Today we visited Howe Caverns on a field trip for National Honors Society… To sit in a terrifyingly serene scene of a cave in silence, listening, soaking ourselves with heavy vibes gives me a feeling of transformation. The trickle of water, down through my conscience meditating outside of the world we know, and feeling God’s grace and pride of devotion. A flow of cool rain, the feeling of which I’d lost familiarity over the past two months or so… Abrubtly, I was quickly withdrawn from this state of mind. I guess I should have had anticipation at my ready, knowing of who I was so adjoined.
"And I’ll find strength in pain, And I will change my ways, I’ll know my name as it’s called again." - Mumford and Sons’ "The Cave". Cool rain, oh how it once spilled down my spine as I stood facing the altar.
Because once more with clarity I’m seeing our society as we always feared it. Sin, lack of morals, hollow drives (drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.) - none of which supply satisfaction. It is without question that we as humans will fall to comfort or lapse away from a driven mind, it’s left up to us to keep our motivation. And as I’m seeing it, we - in society - are trapped inside these four walls. Undeniably, we will make similar mistakes twice. Who here has the strength to rise above this floating prison?
After pushing me beyond my bearable limits of self-reflection, a friend of mine once told me, “Sometimes you have to go through uncomfortable experiences in order to learn”. She couldn’t have been more right.
Another friend recently posted on tumblr, “Practice what you preach.” I’ve often been criticized for not doing so. Perhaps a matter of maturing, but again, we will fall to what feels most comfortable. Those with “blurry eyes” will follow the pack, and not hesitate a moment to stop and wonder at the sights they take in.
Then, there are times when I see a father and his children on the sidewalk. The father waves with a smile to say hello. Here I see love and tenderness, as if by God’s design. Pure Goodness… And where has the decency gone?
After-all, we are all just goldfish. Swim free; beautiful, bright Alaska away from society.